Theres no place like home....

It was raining as I gazed through the window of the plane. It changed from a slight drizzle to a steady downpour. I sat there anxiously awaiting the push back. My mind racing and consumed with the events of the last week...more so the last year. Scenes played back in my head in rapid speed, the new friends, the parties, the sleepless nights, the sexless nights...a montage of 2006 kept my eyes, which were now burning from exhaustion, from closing. I thought of the new job I had begun in May, which now felt like a job I had been at for years. I thought of the love lost, the wisdom gained...I thought, and thought and thought. The last week had been hard. Each morning it became more and more difficult just to drag my body out of bed to make it to work. With Christmas fast approaching I was angry with myself for feeling nothing. I tried to cheer myself up with Motown Christmas, it didn't work. I bought a couple bottles of wine for the house, it didn't help. I had stayed in all week, (save Monday for the Nas shin dig) mostly because I felt it so strongly inside that the year was ending, and now, whatever energy I had left, I was saving for home."Ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted to give you a little update, we're 18th in line for take off." This announcement came after a 90 minute delay, which was followed by a gate change, a plane that was "too small" to accomodate us, and the worst fight I ever saw between a gate agent and a passenger. Somewhere in the 5 hours I spent in the airport it became very necessary to have a glass of wine, and so I had one from TGIF's...and some mozarella sticks to go with. Hey, wine and cheese right? But even with my slight sedation from a cheap glass of Merlot, the weight on my shoulders increased with each passing second I stared out the window. As each rain drop fell, I felt like I was watching the end. This was the ending. At that very moment, I knew it was time to say goodbye to New York in 2006. For when I returned it would be a New Year, a new era, a wonderful new adventure. What I couldn't figure out, however, was why I was so melancholy. I had an amazing year filled with surprises, relationships and experiences I could have never dreamed of. I did things this year that I'll tell my kids and grandkids about. The rain starts falling harder. I've done everything possible on my blackberry in the last few hours. That includes reading my friends blogs, checking facebook, sending emails, etc. I reach down for my "life" as I call it to preoccupy my mind from the impending sadness I'm feeling. It's three days before Christmas, and I, the queen of Christmas spirit felt like Scrooge in a major way. Funny how the holidays make you so keenly aware of both all that you have in your life, and all that's missing. I think that I should send out Christmas cards, ecards or something. In my mind I write the messages to all my friends, everyone who has been such a wonderful part of my life over the last year. I write a note about how important they are and what they mean to me and I hope I will remember it all when I get to a computer. I wonder where everyone is, what they're doing, and if they too are stuck on some airport jetway like me.As the plane begins to take off, I feel my eyes getting heavier. Soon I'm asleep, and what seems like five minutes later, I land at Chicago Midway. I slept through the descent, which upsets me since I take great pride and joy watching the Chicago skyline appear in the distance before landing at the airport. I gather my things and realize that my 8:30 arrival has actually become an 11:30 one, and its apparent I'm not going to make it out to that party I that I had made plans to attend. My older brother picks me up after a 35 minute wait at baggage claim and finally I'm on my way to the house. I'm sure my parents are asleep, but who could blame them. Driving through the city, I'm startled by the Christmas light. I actually forgot people put up Christmast lights living in Manhattan--not one house on my block has up Christmast lights. It's not a perfect sight because unfortunately there is no snow, but the image of gigantic snowmen and nativity scenes in front lawns is warming my heart. My brother yacks my ear off in the car,"this is painful," I think to myself while listening to him gripe about mom and dad. We turn in our driveway, and I start to grin. Dad has hung Christmas lights all around the house, there's red and green flood lights above the porch, and mom's got a great big Christmas reef on the front door. Inside, the Christmas tree is perfect, just like every year mom has decorated it perfectly, it could be on display in a department store. There's new wallpaper in the dining room...there's wrapping paper in the living room and the tree is lined with gifts. Our 14 year old Christmas stockings hang from the mantle, and Taz (my yorkie) is jumping on my leg. I lean really close to the tree to smell the pine, then turn to see the childhood pictures of me and my brothers. I'm smiling. There's a gigantic tin of Garett's popcorn on the table (look it up if you don't already know), and I wish my dad was awake. Suddenly I have all the Christmas spirit in the world. Suddenly it all makes so much sense to me. As much as I love New York, my friends, my job, my life, there's always something missing, something that eats at your heart in the final days of the year, in those few days before Christmas. How could I have real Christmas spirit when I didn't have my family? Why didn't I realize that my sadness was because I wasn't at home? And it all became so very clear. No matter how much I'd love to claim New York and think that I'm a New Yorker, when it comes down to it, I'm just a Chicago girl, who's making it work, far far away from home...Merry Christmas ;)