Be Positive

Austin said, "Be Postive," probably because I was being oscar the grouch in a major way, hey I couldn't help it. After working an average of 18 hours a day for 4 days straight, there's was nothin positive left in me. Austin's always been positive, well at least, I've always had that perception of him...I like positive people, though unfortunatey I've inherited my mother's nay sayin tendancies. Not all the time, but often I find myself seeing the bad side of things. You see, I have what most people would call BAD LUCK. I call it the "davenport curse" takes to much explanation, but if you really want to know call my friends, they'll tell you. The curse, coupled with my mom's constant weighing of things from all possible sides (especially the negative ones) have made me somewhat of a pessimist. When I was in high school I would describe myself as a realist, now post-college, I'm border line pessimistic. Now you may be wondering why I am rambling on about this, but Austin said, "be positive" and it stuck with me. Not because I don't already know that I should be positive but because I hate to think that I'm putting out negativity in the world.

Austin is also Bhuddist. I mention this because I think this is where spirituality comes in. Staying positive is part of lifestyle, a mentality that i've never quite been good at. I am an extremely emotional being, so I tend to set my expectations of others low as to not be disappointed. Conversely I set my expectations of myself extremely high, as though I feel I am the only person I can rely on, and when I do not meet them I beat up on myself like there's in no tomorrow.


Right now I'm beating up on myself. My quest for success in life in insatiable, therefore making me one of those people who is never just happy with what is. I should have been able to stay up that last four hours, I should have baragined a higher pay rate, I shouldn't have eaten those french fries, and I should have paid my cable bill instead of buying those sunglasses. Yet and still I tend to live without many regrets, and I plow forward through all the pain and disappointment, and I honestly realize and know that I am truly blessed, and that God has a plan for me, one that I'm living, and grateful to be a part of. But still, i find myself always wanting more, wishing for something else, and feeling doubtful of what I have and even who I am.

I spent many years getting to the point where I was comfortable being me. For those of you who don't know me. I'm opinionated as hell, a trash talker, spoiled brat, who loves my friends and family dearly, is loyal to the point of stupidity, emotionally all over the place, workaholic who doesn't take no for an answer. I will debate a point until I kill it, am keenly self aware, etremely perceptive to others, and still sensitive as all hell. I'm one of those chicks who embraces the fact that weak men perceive me to be a Bitch, as long as I get respect at the end of the day. I rather be feared than loved, hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not, all of that jazz. But with all of that said, I hate to think I would be negative. And so when Austin said, be positive, I really thought about it. I'm still thinking about it.

Why is it that the outside world can look at me, and think that I have a great job, a great life, and nothing to complain about, all I can think is-- I need to get paid more, I'm so tired, I hate celebrities, my boss is whilin', and I'm not sure I'm cut out for this...isn't my life supposed to be more? Am I on the right path?

Austin said be positive, so somebody tell me how.