Self-Destruction and Degrees of Separation

I'm self destructive. Not in that drug abusing, self loathing type of way, but let's just say I like a challenge. Difficult situations intrigue me, they make me feel alive, they give me something to think about. And anyone that knows me, knows I love to think. I love the chess game, and I love even more that feeling right before you know you're one move to check mate. Why the move before you ask? Because there's still that anticipation, and the possibility that someone else might out maneuver you. The possibility that the game could take a turn and continue to go on for hours, it's a high, and I love it. Recently I've found myself in a particularly tricky game of chess...because as we all know in order to win these games, there has to be casualties of war, and that my friend is where the degrees of separation come in. I once wrote a poem that contained the line, "why fight a war that you cannot win, especially if you are all of your men." Lately it seems that the casualties of my self-destructive warfare are along with myself, lots of other people I know.

How can this be? Because everybody I know knows everybody else I know.

It seems that there are no random chance meetings with captivating people in this fair ciy called New York. Everyone knows someone who I know...now this is not a new problem to face, but slightly more frustrating only because of location.

You would think in one of the most populous cities in the country you should be able to have a chance meeting, or meeting(s) with someone without soon finding out their whole life story from numerous people who all know them as well.

Because when this happens then my game is over before it even starts. There's no mystery, there's no intrigue, there's just research and of course facebook. Which between a couple of emails inquiring about this person and a quick glance over their facebook page, you know more about them than you could have ever really desired to know seeing as though, you've only bumped in to them once or twice, and you were enjoying setting up the peices for a chess game that seemed like it would be quite invigorating if nothing else.

So what's a girl with a penchant for a challenging situation to do?




Go to Brooklyn...I think there must be a lot of great people in Brooklyn...who don't know everyone I know, isn't there?

Be Positive

Austin said, "Be Postive," probably because I was being oscar the grouch in a major way, hey I couldn't help it. After working an average of 18 hours a day for 4 days straight, there's was nothin positive left in me. Austin's always been positive, well at least, I've always had that perception of him...I like positive people, though unfortunatey I've inherited my mother's nay sayin tendancies. Not all the time, but often I find myself seeing the bad side of things. You see, I have what most people would call BAD LUCK. I call it the "davenport curse" takes to much explanation, but if you really want to know call my friends, they'll tell you. The curse, coupled with my mom's constant weighing of things from all possible sides (especially the negative ones) have made me somewhat of a pessimist. When I was in high school I would describe myself as a realist, now post-college, I'm border line pessimistic. Now you may be wondering why I am rambling on about this, but Austin said, "be positive" and it stuck with me. Not because I don't already know that I should be positive but because I hate to think that I'm putting out negativity in the world.

Austin is also Bhuddist. I mention this because I think this is where spirituality comes in. Staying positive is part of lifestyle, a mentality that i've never quite been good at. I am an extremely emotional being, so I tend to set my expectations of others low as to not be disappointed. Conversely I set my expectations of myself extremely high, as though I feel I am the only person I can rely on, and when I do not meet them I beat up on myself like there's in no tomorrow.


Right now I'm beating up on myself. My quest for success in life in insatiable, therefore making me one of those people who is never just happy with what is. I should have been able to stay up that last four hours, I should have baragined a higher pay rate, I shouldn't have eaten those french fries, and I should have paid my cable bill instead of buying those sunglasses. Yet and still I tend to live without many regrets, and I plow forward through all the pain and disappointment, and I honestly realize and know that I am truly blessed, and that God has a plan for me, one that I'm living, and grateful to be a part of. But still, i find myself always wanting more, wishing for something else, and feeling doubtful of what I have and even who I am.

I spent many years getting to the point where I was comfortable being me. For those of you who don't know me. I'm opinionated as hell, a trash talker, spoiled brat, who loves my friends and family dearly, is loyal to the point of stupidity, emotionally all over the place, workaholic who doesn't take no for an answer. I will debate a point until I kill it, am keenly self aware, etremely perceptive to others, and still sensitive as all hell. I'm one of those chicks who embraces the fact that weak men perceive me to be a Bitch, as long as I get respect at the end of the day. I rather be feared than loved, hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not, all of that jazz. But with all of that said, I hate to think I would be negative. And so when Austin said, be positive, I really thought about it. I'm still thinking about it.

Why is it that the outside world can look at me, and think that I have a great job, a great life, and nothing to complain about, all I can think is-- I need to get paid more, I'm so tired, I hate celebrities, my boss is whilin', and I'm not sure I'm cut out for this...isn't my life supposed to be more? Am I on the right path?

Austin said be positive, so somebody tell me how.

Funniest quote ever

Me: So have you always been a freak?
Friend: Who me, yea, I think I started masturbating when I was like 4!!!

We need a resolution

Every year around this time we do it... we pledge to lose weight, leave dead weight behind, or maybe get our weight up for the future. I use weight because that's what I'm struggling with this New Year, not so much weight but wait. I've never been a patient person. I've actually probably been called a whole slew of adjectives and I would bet money that patient is just not one of them. In fact one of my favorite quotes is, "No one ever got anywhere, by waiting," Don't know who said but I like it. And with that mantra, I've always been a go-getter type of person..."What the hell are you waiting for..." Great song Jay-Z, Great Song, that's my question, what am I waiting for. I think my whole life I've always been looking forward to my careeer. Sounds crazy, but I've been looking forward to working, and working hard for a very long time now. But now I find myself in this odd place. This time last year, I was heading back to Atlanta for my last semester in college. I had been working out everyday, (in anticipation of Spring Break) and I was looking good, I had a fresh hair cut, and a renewed sense of spirituality and excitement. I went back to party, and party hard. Starting with f**ked up Fridays at my house, etc, etc. I was happy. SO HAPPY. Even when I was stressed out about something to be so honest, I was really really happy. But 2005, took it's toll on me, and some serious months later, I was ready to run out of Atlanta, away from Spelman College, and pretty much all things assoicated with it. And silly me, I ran straight in to work. Not a week after graduation I was in New York, desperately searching to find a job, to start my career. No time to waste, I thought, it starts now. Those two and a half months I was jobless almost killed me. But sure enough, I found it. My dream job, I thought. I took it without hesitation. This is it, this is the beginning of my career, what I've been waiting for, for all of this time.

But now...

All I can think is, is this the end? I was so sure I was ready to be a grown up, ready to work, to take over the world, to become the most succesful 26 year old EVER ( and I mean that with all sincerity) that I might have thought myself a bit more mature than I really am. Because really, I just turned 22, and for the first time in my life I can honestly say, that what I really want to do, is just take a break, travel the world, and do Nothing. Not nothing as in sleep the day away, but nothing as in nothing that requires a deadline, an intense amount of stress, or committment. I just want to explore people, places, ideas, objects. I just want to float around for a while. But for me, that's totally unacceptable. I've always looked down on people who weren't making things happen right away, I've turned my nose up at people who "take years off" I've made it unacceptable for myself to just stop sometimes, and take a break. But in the back of my mind, the pressure is still on, the race is still on, I'm chasing myself to success, and if I keep up, I might beat myself to it.

So...

What's my new year's resolution? I don't have one. For the first time ever, I don't have a list full of goals that I'd like to strive to or achieve. I just don't. And so I guess I need to resolve myself to being ok with that.

Ode to New York in December

It snowed yesterday. I didn't believe it until I looked out the window. There was snow on the ground, white, and sticky, there it was. Oh great, I thought resigning myself to the reality that this meant that stores would be closed, the laundromat would be inaccesible and my whole day would be ruined. As I turned on the TV to hear the weather report, I had a rude awakening. Wait a minute, I'm not in Atlanta anymore, there's no SEVERE WEATHER TEAM out reporting on the fact that a mere inch on snow had fallen. This is New York city. And nobody is even slightly phased that this powdery substance has dusted the city but maybe me, and my other friends that have just migrated from down south. I laughed at myself for having to come to this realization. I'm from Chicago, so I should know better, but for that split second that I looked out the window, I thought it was over, cause it had snowed. I miss the Atlanta ice hysteria, nothing better for a laugh than Atlanta and a forecast of freezing rain.

125th
"Let's go to Blockbuster!" Sounds like a plan, and so we headed to the Blockbuster on 125th so rent a movie or two, and upon trying to open the door were stopped short. It was locked. We checked the hours posted, it said it should be open. We then noticed the presence of about 10 police officers inside, and the big boarded up window to the right of the door. OK?? What's going on here? So we stood, looking inside, didn't look like anything was going on. The manager came to the door let some of the cops out...he saw us standing there didn't say anything. The fat man standing next to us with his DVD that needed to be returned said it best, "Awww hell nah, I gotta get a new movie, I'm tired of watching this same ol video, they gonna tell me something, the window was busted yestserday, it's a brand new day B, it's a brand new day." Aight then, Blockbuster on 125, i'm out.

Next stop. Starbucks. Magic Johnson has a Starbucks on 125th.
"Can I have the Chantico?"
"No."
"Ok, how about two hot chocolates?"
"Um, excuse me where's your change?" (She asks the other Starbucks employee who is sitting at a table watching freestyle DVDs with his homies).
"You're a supervisor, go get some and put it in there, it won't hurt you" (returns to watching the DVD)
"You only got five dollars in here"
"So."
(some more discussion occurs, ok i'll sit down, it's gonna be a while)
15 minutes later, I got my hot chocolate, it was good. And though i wasn't sure weather to be annoyed by the fact that everything in Harlem weather it be Loews, Starbucks, Blockbuster, or H&M, functions entirely different from their counterparts elsewhere in the city, I was satisfied, and I had sufficiently been amused. Oh 125th what would I would do without you?

Sweetest Thing

We shared music. A long time ago, we shared music, he was the 'sweetest thing to me,' and it was 'whatever's whatever,' and all that mattered was that we 'smiled today.'

Red star sounds was a great cd. And until five minutes ago, I had forgotten all about it. It was a jazzy compilation of a lot of artists that I really love. And a long time ago we shared the music together. And when I just listened to the words to 'sweetest thing,' I smiled about a feeling I couldn't genuinely recall any other way but through music. Whatever was there then has long since gone, but we shared the music, and as we all know, all things can live on through the music. Which got me thinking...

Why can I look back in smile when I hear the music, but not when I see his face? How can you live and breathe songs with someone and then eventually get to the point where you rather not hear the songs again because you don't want to remember the smiles. The song isn't a bad song just because you don't live the lyrics anymore, but somehow the song has betrayed you and so you cast it away to live with the rest of the one hit wonders of your life.

But we, we had albums. We had lines of songs. We were lyrics. "see my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone..."

But somewhere that turned in to, "Heard it all before..." and "I'll get out..." and "we can't be friends..." and I think I liked our first playlist better.

And though truly, I was 'DANGEROUSLY in love,' he was just the sweetest thing to me.

I really love this song. I wish it didn't hurt so much to listen to it. It makes me wish I could go back to that place where I truly felt it, sad when you realize you only get to be in love like that one time. It's such an amazingly intoxicating feeling.

"you're the morning, evening, sunrise after sleeping,"

Damn those were great lyrics. I've never been lost in a man like that before or since, but damn if it wasn't great when it was great.

"your the only one i want to be, sweetest thing that i've ever seen, sweetest thing to me," --we really killed what we had.

Now sometimes I think, it was truly all a dream. Either a dream or a lie, either way, it was something unreal. Percieved, imagined, created, but not real. It's not real for one person to be everybody's sweetest thing, but damn if it wasn't sweet when I thought he was mine.

So the thing is, I really like the Red Star Sounds cd, but I don't think I'll ever really be able to listen to it again. Not because I can't but there's some places, I suppose, no matter how great they were, you just don't ever quite want to go back to.

so many things to say

Austin says update my blog. Funny he should say that, I've actually written three posts that have never graced your eyes. I wrote on some things, and then feeling unsatisfied with myself decided not to post them. So instead of writing about one thing, i'll throw you guys a list of all of the things I could have written about since my last post.
1. My &^%$% @#$% co-worker.
2. The difference between coincidence and fate.
3. How to recover from a less than earth moving first conversation.
4. How much I hate text messenging.
5. How effed up it was that I was sick all thanksgiving break.
6. How dope my lil brother is on the saxaphone.
7. Why I would never move somewhere for a man I wasn't certain loved me.
8. Why Facebook is the devil.
9. My obsession with Making the Band 3.
10. The next apprentice is going to be a Black man.
11. People that throw pity parties for themselves.
12. Why both Austin and Danielle's lives could be lifetime movies.
13. If my life had to be categorized in to a film genre, it would be somewhere in between Dramtic Irony and Slapstic Comedy.
14. What it's like being a woman who plays in the big boy's league.
15. How sad I am that I didn't get to go to the Color Purple red carpet.
16. If there's a such thing as bad timing occuring multiple times.
17. How much I love the holiday season.

Ok Austin, you happy?

Inspiration

Because you think you never inspired me:
You inspired me to keep going when I had already given up.
You inspired me to wake up when I was hiding from the world.
You inspired me to fight when I had already been beaten down.
You inspired me to forgive myself when I didn't think HE would.
You inspired me to never settle, because "too many people were counting on me"
You inspired me to spend more time with my family.
You inspired me to never deny myself Chocolate ice cream.
You inspired me to accept nothing less than exactly what I wanted.
You inspired me to find happiness again.
You inspired me to read EVERYTHING that ever came in front of me.
You inspired me to clean up my house, when it was at the point of no return.
You inspired me to get in touch with my inner OCD.
You inspired me to get rid of all that baggage I was holding on to.
You made me trust again...
It's not everyday something inspires me, but everyday I was inspired by you.

As fate would have it

For years there has been one night that has always stood out in my mind. It was the night that changed the course of my tenure in college. Superficially enough, this night occured in a night club...my first club experience in Atlanta, GA. I have always remembered this night because it was the beginning of a very important relationship I had while in college. But what if all the time I had been hanging on to this moment, it was not because of what happened as a result of this evening, it was because of what didn't. To be more clear, what if the reason I've always remembered was not because of what began, but because of what never came to be. What if when he walked up and asked if I was with him, I would have said yes...

When fun is work...

I work in the entertainment industry. Don't know how that happened it just is what is. It's a very interesting place this lil world of entertainment, tricky if you know what I mean.

Point being, for the past two weeks straight, I've been out every night. Sometimes to just one party, sometimes to up to three and four a night. Most people wouldn't complain about partying, but when having fun is work...it's not that fun anymore. I work at parties, I husltle, connect and make potential business partners, client, etc in the middle of crowded clubs, with hip-hop blasting, and go-go girls dancing on top of bars. And when I'm not working there, I'm at somebody's red carpet for something or other, or seeing movies before they come out, doing quickie interviews with Russell Simmons, Diddy, and others so often that while they're talking I think to myself how I wish they'd just shut up...this is my job.

So now what am I supposed to do for fun? I don't want to go to a concert, or a party or anything like that on the weekend, that's not fun it's just work. So now what, what am I supposed to do now that fun is work and work isn't fun?

Dream on Dream Away

Many people have spent many years researching the subconcious. Trying to figure out what the images of your brain mean while you are sleeping. Recently I have been having lots of dreams. Nothing bad happens in my dreams, they are not scary or harmful, but having the dreams themselves wake me up in the middle of the night in a panic. I am more upset at having the dream than what's happening in the dream. To put it simply, I feel like I'm being haunted. Like someone is haunting me in my sleep, knowing that when I'm sleeping is the only time I would be vulnerable enough to be stupid enough to believe in them again. I'm being attacked every night by dreams that appear harmless, but I know that even the harmless of scenes have implications far beyond the actions. The only way to fight it is to stay awake, but I'm sleepy...any suggestions?

Ew

So I'm watching this interview with Aamer (VH1 VJ) and Mayor Nagin about New Orleans after the hurricane, and I know this is really shallow, but I hate it when men sit in chairs with their legs crossed, I think it's suspect...they're both sitting with their legs crossed. EW!

Business as usual

With his partner and friend Pimp C in jail, Bun B has no choice but to put out a solo album. The Texas town rapper, who rose to fame as half of the lengendary southern duo UGK, has recently appeared on records with the likes of Lil' Jon, Beanie Sigel and Jay-Z just to name a few. Yet, with all these collaborations in his midst, there is only one person Bun B truly wishes to be working with…but until his time is up, Bun B is working hard to hold it down alone.

Chocolate recently caught up with Bun B to find how he’s handling life without Pimp and what to expect from his upcoming solo debut Trill.

What was the biggest difference in putting together your solo project?
Everything. It was a whole new process from start to finish. I did everything before with two people in mind and this time I did it with one. The total reworking of music and recording, you know, interplay with other artists and what not. Everything was brand new. It was a completely different process.

You rapped on the Ying Yang twins album about Pimp C being in jail, are there any songs on your album dedicated to him?

No cause, every rhyme I’ve written has said something about Pimp being in jail, so I don’t really need to.


How often do you talk to him?
I can go see him once a month--once every two months. We correspond through letters, I holla at him through the radio all the time.

Even though you had already been in the game for years, many people say your appearance on Jay-Z’s 2003 summer hit Big Pimpin’ was a turning point in your career, do you agree?

Yeah, it was turning point, it definitely had its advantages - Grammy nominations and stuff like that, but I don’t sit around and question everything. God will take everything, so I just do what I do and keep moving.

You’ve already worked with Lil’ Jon, Beanie Siegel, Scarface, TI, Pitbull, Nas, Jadakiss, Mannie Fresh, Three Six Mafia, what was your favorite collaboration thus far?

Probably the song I did with Pimp C. They were all beneficial to me, but that’s like asking which one of my children was cuter. I’ve never understood that, I’d hate to think that one of my kids was better than the other. And honestly the best collaboration, I probably haven’t recorded it yet.

What’s your biggest regret about your Jive records deal?
No regrets. I don't regret anything.

You wouldn’t do anything differently?
Nothing.

What’s it like being on rap-a-lot compared to Jive?

I’m more a part of the process and I don’t have to worry about what people are doing when I’m not around.

When can we expect the first video?
We just shot it in Houston just showing the hood. See with me we don’t any pre-planned, we just cut the cameras on and rolled around to just see what’s going on in the hood.

How are you helping out the victims of Hurricane Katrina that have relocated to Houston?
We’re trying to facilitate those people as best we can, we have a shelter, we’re personally taking care of 200 people, the problem is scheduling is backed up. But as far as major MTV benefits or whatever, I don’t get invited to stuff like that.

Why do you think people have been so resistant to Southern Music?
I think that the media perpetuated that, I don’t really think it was the fans. I think it was the industry. Once the fans got a hold of it, it was all good.

You and Pimp C are often credited with putting southern music on the mainstream radar. Now there seems to be a sort of southern takeover, how does it feel to see artist like Young Jeezy and T.I. coming out of the south and really doing their thing, and know that you helped pave the way?
I think to an extent we helped, and if I have been a part of their success, I feel great about it.

After being in the game so long, what are you looking for now, you’ve got respect, do you still want stardom?
No, not at all, I’m perfectly happy. A lot of money would be nice. I’m fine with my stardom but I could use a lot more money.
Leigh Davenport

Giving up is so very hard to do

I've seen a couple really bad movies in the last week. One was an advance screening of In the Mix, the new movie starring Usher, the other was G, some movie starring dude from Judging Amy and Blair Underwood. Honestly in my bad movie meter, these two films were probably two of the worst movies I've ever seen, but still I sat through them both. Yes, I did think about leaving, just getting up and walking out, I knew the movies weren't going to get any better. But I couldn't. For some reason I had to sit there and ride it out. I knew the endings would be deeply disappointing but still, I sat there waiting until the very end. I was horrified by both endings, Usher got married to the Italian chick and started doing the re-run at his wedding, in G, the stupid main character woman got shot, and actually that was oddly fufilling. Regardless, I got up left the theater disappointed, (more so about G since I paid to see it) and both times a bit emotionally upset. And though I am thoroughly disturbed that people waste millions of dollars on movies that should never make past the paper shredder, I think I was more disappointed in myself for staying through the whole thing. So my question is, why is it so hard to give up?

Good one. Why, when you know something is bad, has been bad, is going to continue to be bad, is it still so hard to just finally suck it up and quit it. Walk out, ask for your money, heart, or self-respect back from whoever stole it, and just leave. Close the door, end the chapter, let it ride.

With the movie, it's because I really want to give it, it's full opportunity to at least make 25 cents of my 10 dollars worth it. With, work, relationships, love, etc, I think it's because giving up people, situations, things is almost like personal failure. It hurts as much to truly give up on people, as it does to not give up on them and allow them to damage your life. It's sad, I think, when you realize you can't save someone, you can't save your job, you can't save your friendship, you can't save the movie. You just have to acknowledge it directly and give up on it. It's not going to get better, no matter how long you stay there watching it. Why is it so hard to realize that the ending is going to suck, whether you see it or not.

ALEXANDER

Today I realized I was an adult. NO--not because I just turned 22, but because I had a bad day. And not just a regular bad day. I had a bad ADULT day. How so you ask? Let me explain. Everything that happened on my bad day today were things that would have never constituted a bad day just 6 months ago. For example, I got upset over a work assignment, my internet isn't working at home and they can't send someone to fix it for two weeks, my landlord cashed my rent check on the 25th of the month, another co-worker did something wrong and tried to blame it on me. Now no, these aren't big things I know but the pattern is that they are all very adult. I couldn't believe it, I was having a bad adult day, a day that was ruined because of work, bills, and housework. I'm only 22...somebody tell me this isn't happening. I never thought i'd miss the bad days that were bad because the chapter was in trouble, or my boyfriend was late to pick me up, or my Professor gave a pop quiz...but those seem like walks in the park compared to the day I had today.

My First Homecoming

I knew I had to go, I just didn't realize how great it would be. It was my birthday on the day of homecoming. All I had to do was stand still and I was having fun. It was special, so special that writing about it won't do it justice.

So funny things that happened at Homecoming.
1. I bought a birthday dress that costs as much as my weekly pay check.
2. I got pulled over on the way to and from my birthday party.
3. I was in the front of the line.
4. She came with my line sister.
5. Fritz's hair was blond.
6. I volunteered to pay at a party.
7. I drove a car for the first time in 6 months.
8. The tailgate reminded me of the Bayou Classic.
9. Tiffany and I knew all the words to crucial conflict.
10. I didn't care that we lost the step show.
11. I secretly wished I still lived in Atlanta.
12. I cried when my plane left Hartsfield.
13. My prophytes were SOOOOOOOOO nice.
14. My cell phone was off the ENTIRE weekend.
15. The plane ride home looked like I was in ADW class.
16. George said it best (u know what i'm talking about)
17. Mercer bought the bar.

Styles P. isn’t looking for respect, he knows he’s got it already. Recently released from jail, the often overshadowed former LOX member is ready to release his sophomore album Time is Money and the title tells all. After his stint behind bars, Styles P. has gained a new perspective on the meaning of time, and now he’s out to turn it in to more money.

I recently caught up with the Yonkers, NY artist, to chat about life after jail and putting his money where his mouth is, literally.

You’ve said that your first album, A Gangster and A Gentlemen, did better than you expected, what do you expect from Time is Money?
I expect it to do better because it’s a better album. It’s more mature—more of a grown man album. It’s got a deeper perspective

How did you gain this new perspective?
Life. Life itself. Trials and tribulations ya know. If you’re asking about my time being in jail, yes, it inspired me.

What was the worst part about being in jail?
Everything. All of it. You just don’t want to be there. That’s your freedom. Your freedom is gone. You’re a slave, it’s like slavery part two. Slavery all over kid.

Lyrically you have been very critical of current rap artists. Who do you feel is big right now, but doesn’t back it up with lyrics?
I mean pretty much everybody on top. There’s not too many people out there right now that are nice.

What rappers in the game do you actually admire right now?
Um, well Jay Z. But I respect everybody’s work, I don’t disrespect their work, I just said they’re not lyrical.

In the past you’ve been part of a group that had distanced itself from mainstream imagery, (i.e. Bad Boy and the shiny suits), are you now looking for mainstream success?
Nah. I’m striving for more money. I’m good with my stardom, I get the most respect on the streets. You have to understand you’ve got the streets and you’ve got the industry. The industry is not hip-hop. So the thing is, if you don’t broaden your horizons, you can’t get that certain type of buck. I’m alright with my stardom--being the most respected on the streets, but there’s a lot of money being made out there right now and I would like some more of it. I got to get a bigger piece of the pie.

So are you now looking at this album from more of a business standpoint?
I’m still an artist first. Everything is about being an artist first. If I was just looking from a business standpoint, that would be totally ludicrous. I just felt that this time, I had to make different songs that I wouldn’t make before. I had the ladies in mind on this album. I had to make some songs for the ladies.

How important is it to you to stay in the mixtape circuit?
I’m a MC. I may be business minded, but at the end of the day I like to make music. I like to show how nice I am. We make a lot of music, and we make a lot of mixtape stuff. Some people still care about giving the streets something to listen to. Some do and some don’t. Some people get in the industry and stop making stuff for the streets, and that’s it, they just don’t rhyme that much.

Do you respond to the beef with 50 Cent on the album?
I wouldn’t call it beef, but I got a song for it. It’s a war of the words ya know. I mean it’s not beef because we don’t know them and because nobody’s mad. We don’t know them, we’ve never met them before. You know they just manufactured that mess for marketing and stuff.

You wrote a song on the album called I’m Black, which discusses the hardships of being a black man in America. Are you getting in to more conscious rap?
I’ve always wanted to make a song about being black. When I was in jail it just came to me, but I think every rapper is conscious. If you mean a path leaning to a righteous state of mind, I think that all conscious artists should be supported. Talib Kweli, Common, Dead Presidents, they should all be supported.

What legacy do you want to leave for your kids?
Work hard. Get what you deserve and earn it. To me that counts more than everything else, respect above everything.
Leigh Davenport

Everybody's a Fan--pop culture post

So yesterday, on Being Bobby Brown, which I'm sure you watch, Whitney said something amazing!!! As she read a tabloid, she looks over to Bobby and says, "look at Beyonce she's such a doll, invite me to the wedding, I would love to go." Wait, that's right Whitney Houston sweats B and Jay too? Get out! If Beyonce isn't everybody's favorite girl, she can certainly rest easy knowing that Whitney, (whose voice blows B out of the water--on a good day of course) is sweating her, trying to get an invite to the wedding. It just goes to show, we're not the only ones obsessed with America's favorite power couple, the celebs are obsessed as well.

Keeping along those lines today...Jay-Z was on TRL with Teairra Mari, introducing her as his new artist, you know doing some album sales publicity. So Quddus (that light skinned kerly head lame guy who hosts TRL) was sweating Jay-Z so hard, he seemed to have forgotten they were there to promote poor little Teairra. Instead of asking about Teairra, or even talking to her for that matter, Quddus went on and on about Jay being the president of Def Jam, and about how fiery Kanye's new album is going to be. He didn't forget to mention how sorry he was that he couldn't make it to the listening party the other night, (I guess he wanted us all to know that he was invited and we weren't!). Pretty Princess Te-Te sat there looking left out, and when Quddus finally did speak to her, to ask her what she thought of Kanye's new joint, she said a very unenthused, "It's hot," after which Quddus proceeded to clown her for lack more profound words on the subject.

Maybe Quddus and Whiteny can get together and try to scheme up a way to have a dinner party with B and Jay!!!

What's a big number?

27 doesn’t really seem like a big number. You can’t do much with 27 cents, or even 27 dollars. You might easily have 27 books, 27 pairs of shoes maybe even 27 emails in your inbox in the morning. But imagine what it would feel like if 27 people in you knew died in one week. That would have to take out most of your immediate family, some close friends, a couple of colleagues. If 27 people that you knew died next week, imagine what you would have left. You would be hanging on by a thread with no hope, no joy, no sense of ending, no understanding. You would feel as if everything you had ever known, that you were forsaken, and that you couldn’t possibly deserve to experience such a great quantity of pain.

Now. Think of how you would feel if you lost just one person. If one person that you cared about was to suddenly die, maybe in an accident, a shoot out, or in a plane crash. How much would that change your life? How different would your tomorrow be if just one person you loved didn’t wake up in the morning to share it with you. If when you got the news you had been waiting for, you suddenly had to remind yourself that they were no longer there. Pretty devastating isn’t it?

At least 27 families in this country will go in to their next week trying to console themselves, and get past the grief of losing a son, brother, sister, or aunt to war in Iraq. And though they are certainly not the only people to experience loss in this past week, there is something different about losing someone to war. There may be the sentiment that the war is stupid and unjust, but even for those who support the war in Iraq loosing a loved in combat has to feel different. It must sting with resentment, and hurt with hindsight’s vision. It must be selfish because one tells themselves to expect it, but don’t ever really expect it to happen to them. It must be ridden with guilt when they can’t stop themselves from thinking, “Out of all of the people who didn’t die over there, how come it had to be him?” It must seem important but irrelevant when you honestly admit that nobody and nothing can stop terrorism. It must be something you really never get over.

In terms of winning a war, 27 casualities really doesn’t seem like much. It’s not a hundred, or thousands, it’s just 27—that’s not that bad right?

27 people died this week in Iraq, and today is Thursday. If it still seems insignificant, write down the closest 27 people you have in your life in order. And for the next 7 days, scratch off four. Don’t call them, don’t email them. Just pretend their four more of those guys in Iraq that you don’t know that died. Try it...in a few days you realize that much smaller numbers can have a huge impact. 27 doesn't seem so small anymore huh?

Things You Might Learn At Six Flags

To escape the madness of spending five consecutive days existing solely on Manhattan island, a couple of friends and I decided we needed a break. Our choice destination would be to none other that Six Flags to relish in a day of cheating death, and plummeting through the sky while our various body parts were thrown in directions by speeds unreasonably fast, but somehow still find this considerably enjoyable and compared to the city, even relaxing. How was it you may wonder? Great! I think as you get older it becomes increasingly more fun to act like a child. I had forgotten how much fun one can have standing in half hour long lines to experience about 35 seconds of terror and joy. Of course, this great adventure of mine, would prove to be quite the learning experience, as all experiences seem to be once you reach the age of intellectual perception. Three extremely interesting observations I have made during my day at six flags, (there were more than three, but these most important) which I feel worthy of sharing as minor notes, or cultural commentaries about this very interesting world we live in, and the complex lives we lead.

I’m not waiting in that line…
Now I know it’s been something like five years since the last time I went to six flags, but I’m pretty sure this is new. At each main attraction roller coaster I approached people were walking out of the line. “Is the ride broken?” I asked. “No, we were just in a line for a while so we thought we would leave,” the riders responded as the hastily exited the ride through the entrance gate. I must preface this account by saying, due to reasons I can’t quite explain, Six Flags was pretty doggone empty yesterday. I waited in no line longer than 30 minutes, the massive maze of passenger waiting areas were mostly roped off and blocked with trash cans, and we were hardly ever in stand still traffic. Also, the weather was quite nice, it was a perfectly beautiful day though not stifling hot by any means. All of this for a normal Six Flagger, or at least the mid-western ones I had grown up with meant, you were going to have a GREAT day at the park. Like, what more could you possibly ask for? But still, for these northeastern riders, the drastically short lines in the shade with private DJ’s and MC’s for your waiting entertainment were just too much. They would not wait. No. Not waiting. Ain’t gonna do it. And so they left the line, and hey, who am I to stop them, it made my wait even shorter.

But honestly, this was the most baffling sight I had ever seen. Have we grown so impatient as a society we won’t even wait to have fun? I mean really, why would you ever go to an amusement park if you weren’t going to stand in line? Does that even sound logical. And furthermore, when the lines are barely 30 minutes long, what could you possibly have to do that’s more important. Perhaps it’s a northeastern thing. I often find that New Yorkers have a sort of innate impatience, I’m assuming that’s why they lean their heads over the edge of the subway every 30 seconds to check and see if they can see the lights from an approaching train. I must admit, that every now in then, I succumb to this train ‘n’ seek behavior, (when I’m in rush, or running late of course). But this wasn’t the subway! We were waiting for death defying drops, and upside loopty loops and stuff--the subway doesn’t do that. You can wait 30 minutes for that, right? I could. Thank God. There’s a lot of ways to realize you might have reached a new level of stress and ridiculously self-destructive behavior, but I suggest, go to Six Flags, and try not to have fun. If you can succeed in doing so, you might want to check yourself in somewhere, or maybe even quit your job because something is truly wrong with you. Trust me, your blackberry is very cool, but it’s definitely not cooler than the Nitro ride at Six Flags Great Adventure.

You have to dance first…
To keep the rowdies and drunkies calm in the line for the Superman (which is the most terrifying and unpleasant ride I’ve ever encountered) a young nerdy white male played a Six Flags trivia game show offering eager riders a chance to win a “don’t wait in line pass” for the ride of their choice. Several contestants played and failed, a few won, it was all in good fun. As the line progressed Jake (we’ll call him since I know not his name) asked if anyone else wanted to play, and any who said yes were welcomed to the booth to play his five question trivia game. As my group of friends approached the booth, Jake asked if anyone else wanted to play and I raised my hand. And then it happened?

Jake: You want to play?
Me: Yes
Jake: You have to come up and dance first.
Me: No
Jake: Sorry, if you don’t dance you can’t play.
Me: (rolling my eyes, preparing to launch in to a fit)
Friends: Why would he ask you to dance? He didn’t ask anyone else to dance.
Me: Do I look like a stripper?
Friend: That’s f***ed up, I’m gonna ask him why he said that when we get to the front of the line.
Other Friend: You should report that to the park, that’s so blatant.
Me: Blatant!!! To us, we’re two black women who graduated from Spelman, it’s not gonna be blatant to them.
Friend: That’s true. I’m really mad about it.
Me: I know.
All: Oh a day in the life.

He asked me to dance. Straight up, with a straight face, he looked at me and asked me to dance. He didn’t ask anyone before or after me to dance. He only asked me—the only black female who wanted to play the game, I had to dance. I honestly am so angered by this incident that I’m find explaining it a bit difficult. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t have to. So if you don’t understand the source of my anger and disbelief you should read some black feminist thought, and then come back to my blogger when you're a bit more enlightened.

Human beings are crazy...
Simply. Think about it. Why do we enjoy roller coasters? I think, because for less than a minute or so we cheat death. If we can do it a couple of times in one day, it's worth $50 and a two hour drive. Often when our lives or in chaos, and we are feeling stressed out beyond comprehension we say, "it's just been such a rollercoaster ride," or something of that nature. We may go on to describe the vast ups and downs in life, the quick changes that we don't see coming, the anticipation of slowly making it all the way to the top, and then the steep drops when we've finally made it. Life takes us on a dozens of loops at a quick pace and most often around these times, we feel sorry for ourselves because we're so "stressed out." But maybe not those of us who love going to Six Flags. We, secretly, love the roller coaster ride of life. As long as we're not in one place too long, we can't live with out the ups and downs, the uncertainty, the big risk. It's why we keep going everyday, why we continue to seek out life's biggest thrills..because we know all things eventuallly come to an end. But, before they do, we know you should ride every ride as many times as you can. Nothing is better than the feeling of knowing that you conquered what seems impossible more than once, and nothing is more rewarding than conquering what you might fear the most.