Theres no place like home....

It was raining as I gazed through the window of the plane. It changed from a slight drizzle to a steady downpour. I sat there anxiously awaiting the push back. My mind racing and consumed with the events of the last week...more so the last year. Scenes played back in my head in rapid speed, the new friends, the parties, the sleepless nights, the sexless nights...a montage of 2006 kept my eyes, which were now burning from exhaustion, from closing. I thought of the new job I had begun in May, which now felt like a job I had been at for years. I thought of the love lost, the wisdom gained...I thought, and thought and thought. The last week had been hard. Each morning it became more and more difficult just to drag my body out of bed to make it to work. With Christmas fast approaching I was angry with myself for feeling nothing. I tried to cheer myself up with Motown Christmas, it didn't work. I bought a couple bottles of wine for the house, it didn't help. I had stayed in all week, (save Monday for the Nas shin dig) mostly because I felt it so strongly inside that the year was ending, and now, whatever energy I had left, I was saving for home."Ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted to give you a little update, we're 18th in line for take off." This announcement came after a 90 minute delay, which was followed by a gate change, a plane that was "too small" to accomodate us, and the worst fight I ever saw between a gate agent and a passenger. Somewhere in the 5 hours I spent in the airport it became very necessary to have a glass of wine, and so I had one from TGIF's...and some mozarella sticks to go with. Hey, wine and cheese right? But even with my slight sedation from a cheap glass of Merlot, the weight on my shoulders increased with each passing second I stared out the window. As each rain drop fell, I felt like I was watching the end. This was the ending. At that very moment, I knew it was time to say goodbye to New York in 2006. For when I returned it would be a New Year, a new era, a wonderful new adventure. What I couldn't figure out, however, was why I was so melancholy. I had an amazing year filled with surprises, relationships and experiences I could have never dreamed of. I did things this year that I'll tell my kids and grandkids about. The rain starts falling harder. I've done everything possible on my blackberry in the last few hours. That includes reading my friends blogs, checking facebook, sending emails, etc. I reach down for my "life" as I call it to preoccupy my mind from the impending sadness I'm feeling. It's three days before Christmas, and I, the queen of Christmas spirit felt like Scrooge in a major way. Funny how the holidays make you so keenly aware of both all that you have in your life, and all that's missing. I think that I should send out Christmas cards, ecards or something. In my mind I write the messages to all my friends, everyone who has been such a wonderful part of my life over the last year. I write a note about how important they are and what they mean to me and I hope I will remember it all when I get to a computer. I wonder where everyone is, what they're doing, and if they too are stuck on some airport jetway like me.As the plane begins to take off, I feel my eyes getting heavier. Soon I'm asleep, and what seems like five minutes later, I land at Chicago Midway. I slept through the descent, which upsets me since I take great pride and joy watching the Chicago skyline appear in the distance before landing at the airport. I gather my things and realize that my 8:30 arrival has actually become an 11:30 one, and its apparent I'm not going to make it out to that party I that I had made plans to attend. My older brother picks me up after a 35 minute wait at baggage claim and finally I'm on my way to the house. I'm sure my parents are asleep, but who could blame them. Driving through the city, I'm startled by the Christmas light. I actually forgot people put up Christmast lights living in Manhattan--not one house on my block has up Christmast lights. It's not a perfect sight because unfortunately there is no snow, but the image of gigantic snowmen and nativity scenes in front lawns is warming my heart. My brother yacks my ear off in the car,"this is painful," I think to myself while listening to him gripe about mom and dad. We turn in our driveway, and I start to grin. Dad has hung Christmas lights all around the house, there's red and green flood lights above the porch, and mom's got a great big Christmas reef on the front door. Inside, the Christmas tree is perfect, just like every year mom has decorated it perfectly, it could be on display in a department store. There's new wallpaper in the dining room...there's wrapping paper in the living room and the tree is lined with gifts. Our 14 year old Christmas stockings hang from the mantle, and Taz (my yorkie) is jumping on my leg. I lean really close to the tree to smell the pine, then turn to see the childhood pictures of me and my brothers. I'm smiling. There's a gigantic tin of Garett's popcorn on the table (look it up if you don't already know), and I wish my dad was awake. Suddenly I have all the Christmas spirit in the world. Suddenly it all makes so much sense to me. As much as I love New York, my friends, my job, my life, there's always something missing, something that eats at your heart in the final days of the year, in those few days before Christmas. How could I have real Christmas spirit when I didn't have my family? Why didn't I realize that my sadness was because I wasn't at home? And it all became so very clear. No matter how much I'd love to claim New York and think that I'm a New Yorker, when it comes down to it, I'm just a Chicago girl, who's making it work, far far away from home...Merry Christmas ;)

Self-Destruction and Degrees of Separation

I'm self destructive. Not in that drug abusing, self loathing type of way, but let's just say I like a challenge. Difficult situations intrigue me, they make me feel alive, they give me something to think about. And anyone that knows me, knows I love to think. I love the chess game, and I love even more that feeling right before you know you're one move to check mate. Why the move before you ask? Because there's still that anticipation, and the possibility that someone else might out maneuver you. The possibility that the game could take a turn and continue to go on for hours, it's a high, and I love it. Recently I've found myself in a particularly tricky game of chess...because as we all know in order to win these games, there has to be casualties of war, and that my friend is where the degrees of separation come in. I once wrote a poem that contained the line, "why fight a war that you cannot win, especially if you are all of your men." Lately it seems that the casualties of my self-destructive warfare are along with myself, lots of other people I know.

How can this be? Because everybody I know knows everybody else I know.

It seems that there are no random chance meetings with captivating people in this fair ciy called New York. Everyone knows someone who I know...now this is not a new problem to face, but slightly more frustrating only because of location.

You would think in one of the most populous cities in the country you should be able to have a chance meeting, or meeting(s) with someone without soon finding out their whole life story from numerous people who all know them as well.

Because when this happens then my game is over before it even starts. There's no mystery, there's no intrigue, there's just research and of course facebook. Which between a couple of emails inquiring about this person and a quick glance over their facebook page, you know more about them than you could have ever really desired to know seeing as though, you've only bumped in to them once or twice, and you were enjoying setting up the peices for a chess game that seemed like it would be quite invigorating if nothing else.

So what's a girl with a penchant for a challenging situation to do?




Go to Brooklyn...I think there must be a lot of great people in Brooklyn...who don't know everyone I know, isn't there?

Be Positive

Austin said, "Be Postive," probably because I was being oscar the grouch in a major way, hey I couldn't help it. After working an average of 18 hours a day for 4 days straight, there's was nothin positive left in me. Austin's always been positive, well at least, I've always had that perception of him...I like positive people, though unfortunatey I've inherited my mother's nay sayin tendancies. Not all the time, but often I find myself seeing the bad side of things. You see, I have what most people would call BAD LUCK. I call it the "davenport curse" takes to much explanation, but if you really want to know call my friends, they'll tell you. The curse, coupled with my mom's constant weighing of things from all possible sides (especially the negative ones) have made me somewhat of a pessimist. When I was in high school I would describe myself as a realist, now post-college, I'm border line pessimistic. Now you may be wondering why I am rambling on about this, but Austin said, "be positive" and it stuck with me. Not because I don't already know that I should be positive but because I hate to think that I'm putting out negativity in the world.

Austin is also Bhuddist. I mention this because I think this is where spirituality comes in. Staying positive is part of lifestyle, a mentality that i've never quite been good at. I am an extremely emotional being, so I tend to set my expectations of others low as to not be disappointed. Conversely I set my expectations of myself extremely high, as though I feel I am the only person I can rely on, and when I do not meet them I beat up on myself like there's in no tomorrow.


Right now I'm beating up on myself. My quest for success in life in insatiable, therefore making me one of those people who is never just happy with what is. I should have been able to stay up that last four hours, I should have baragined a higher pay rate, I shouldn't have eaten those french fries, and I should have paid my cable bill instead of buying those sunglasses. Yet and still I tend to live without many regrets, and I plow forward through all the pain and disappointment, and I honestly realize and know that I am truly blessed, and that God has a plan for me, one that I'm living, and grateful to be a part of. But still, i find myself always wanting more, wishing for something else, and feeling doubtful of what I have and even who I am.

I spent many years getting to the point where I was comfortable being me. For those of you who don't know me. I'm opinionated as hell, a trash talker, spoiled brat, who loves my friends and family dearly, is loyal to the point of stupidity, emotionally all over the place, workaholic who doesn't take no for an answer. I will debate a point until I kill it, am keenly self aware, etremely perceptive to others, and still sensitive as all hell. I'm one of those chicks who embraces the fact that weak men perceive me to be a Bitch, as long as I get respect at the end of the day. I rather be feared than loved, hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not, all of that jazz. But with all of that said, I hate to think I would be negative. And so when Austin said, be positive, I really thought about it. I'm still thinking about it.

Why is it that the outside world can look at me, and think that I have a great job, a great life, and nothing to complain about, all I can think is-- I need to get paid more, I'm so tired, I hate celebrities, my boss is whilin', and I'm not sure I'm cut out for this...isn't my life supposed to be more? Am I on the right path?

Austin said be positive, so somebody tell me how.

Funniest quote ever

Me: So have you always been a freak?
Friend: Who me, yea, I think I started masturbating when I was like 4!!!

We need a resolution

Every year around this time we do it... we pledge to lose weight, leave dead weight behind, or maybe get our weight up for the future. I use weight because that's what I'm struggling with this New Year, not so much weight but wait. I've never been a patient person. I've actually probably been called a whole slew of adjectives and I would bet money that patient is just not one of them. In fact one of my favorite quotes is, "No one ever got anywhere, by waiting," Don't know who said but I like it. And with that mantra, I've always been a go-getter type of person..."What the hell are you waiting for..." Great song Jay-Z, Great Song, that's my question, what am I waiting for. I think my whole life I've always been looking forward to my careeer. Sounds crazy, but I've been looking forward to working, and working hard for a very long time now. But now I find myself in this odd place. This time last year, I was heading back to Atlanta for my last semester in college. I had been working out everyday, (in anticipation of Spring Break) and I was looking good, I had a fresh hair cut, and a renewed sense of spirituality and excitement. I went back to party, and party hard. Starting with f**ked up Fridays at my house, etc, etc. I was happy. SO HAPPY. Even when I was stressed out about something to be so honest, I was really really happy. But 2005, took it's toll on me, and some serious months later, I was ready to run out of Atlanta, away from Spelman College, and pretty much all things assoicated with it. And silly me, I ran straight in to work. Not a week after graduation I was in New York, desperately searching to find a job, to start my career. No time to waste, I thought, it starts now. Those two and a half months I was jobless almost killed me. But sure enough, I found it. My dream job, I thought. I took it without hesitation. This is it, this is the beginning of my career, what I've been waiting for, for all of this time.

But now...

All I can think is, is this the end? I was so sure I was ready to be a grown up, ready to work, to take over the world, to become the most succesful 26 year old EVER ( and I mean that with all sincerity) that I might have thought myself a bit more mature than I really am. Because really, I just turned 22, and for the first time in my life I can honestly say, that what I really want to do, is just take a break, travel the world, and do Nothing. Not nothing as in sleep the day away, but nothing as in nothing that requires a deadline, an intense amount of stress, or committment. I just want to explore people, places, ideas, objects. I just want to float around for a while. But for me, that's totally unacceptable. I've always looked down on people who weren't making things happen right away, I've turned my nose up at people who "take years off" I've made it unacceptable for myself to just stop sometimes, and take a break. But in the back of my mind, the pressure is still on, the race is still on, I'm chasing myself to success, and if I keep up, I might beat myself to it.

So...

What's my new year's resolution? I don't have one. For the first time ever, I don't have a list full of goals that I'd like to strive to or achieve. I just don't. And so I guess I need to resolve myself to being ok with that.